Diary 3-11-2007

The woman spoke about the housing market, prices and interest rates. It's worth paying more in todays money for a parking spot.
I opened my eyes. I've acquired a new piece of knowledge that I won't be able to attribute later. It's hard to get oriented when you've had so little sleep, and the radio often incorporates itself into my dream. The intrusion is at its worst when it's the news. Images of war and death are quite unpleasant in my dreams.

It was half past eight and I'd snoozed a few times already. Sleep should not be this scarce, but there was a whole new day waiting and I could no longer delay facing it.

Groggily I dragged myself out of bed, I have an appointment with the hairdresser this morning and need to shampoo. I always spend more time in the shower when I shampoo my hair. It's impossible to have three, four, or even ten minute showers when shampooing. I feel guilty about it, but there must be another solution. Whoever came up with these figures cannot possibly understand what it entails to deal with long, thick curls. They just have no clue.

It's ten and I'm still chewing breakfast. Having breakfast is a weekend novelty, I don't want to give it up. I need to make a phone call before leaving. I have this day planned almost to the second.

Ten minutes past ten and I'm on my way. It's all going according to plan. I remembered how much I'm enjoying driving a manual. Apart from the pure enjoyment of it, it's a great show off factor. Girls don't drive manual, usually. It has shock appeal. I like that.

Traffic though was not helping. I suddenly remembered that I was taking the worst possible route. I was going past the race grounds on cup weekend. I'm still enjoying the drive, but I'm running late. I was supposed to be there early, but now I'll be late.

It gets worse, there is no parking. I spend a full twenty minutes looking for parking and finally arrive forty minutes late for my appointment.

Midday, I'm stuck in traffic again. It's raining now and I actually do a burnout in front of the dozen or so cops directing traffic. God I hope they're not feeling cranky today. It could get interesting.

I get home just in time for a very quick check of my email. There are disadvantages to being a social node. It's time consuming at times. A lot of time is spent trying to maintain relationships. Each in its own way and each in its own medium.

Three in the afternoon and I'm already receiving a message informing me that my next catchup is stuck in traffic and will be late. I didn't bother replying that I too was stuck in "yucky traffic" and am running late. Finally we find each other and find where we were supposed to meet.
This is a friend I had not seen in six years. We had emailed every once in a while and rarely spoke on the phone. Actually I think it had been a few years since the last phone conversation. Our lives are dramatically different now.

Her father was dying and she was coping in her own way. She was planning. She has no control over her father's death, but she has control over what she would wear to the funeral. So she enlisted my help in hunting for appropriate clothing. I think I am the only rope some people have to link them to Islam, or Muslims. She was wanting to find trendy scarves to wear to the funeral. I didn't think it was morbid, just practical. I would probably do the same thing if I were in her shoes.

The shop we went to was quite the discovery. I think she loved it more than I did, but I wasn't going to tell her my criticisms. I've learnt how my words can sometimes affect people in ways I had not intended. I remained silent. She was very enthusiastic. I was once like that. It seems like a long time ago now.

We caught up over coffee and a hot chocolate later. We've both moved on a long way, but were still the same people. She told me how she was tired of people in her lives trying to control her. That she was too busy to notice if she was happy or not.

It's seven already and I'm still changing in and out of my jeans. I like wearing them, but this may not be an appropriate venue for them. I don't want to feel under dressed. I'm running late again. It's raining.

I finally decide to be comfortable. It was never about the jeans. It was about the scarf. Did I really want to stop wearing it? How strong would I be? How confident am I?

Seven thirty and it's me this time that is sending a message that I would be late.

I'm meeting with some friends tonight that I have not seen in ten years. That is a long time for someone my age. I don't have many ten years behind me. I'd done a lot of growing up in this decade, but I'm still the same person. I'm just living in a very different life.

I can't find this place. It's raining, I don't want to keep looking any more. I simply ask one of the other restaurateurs. He smiled at me and said "come this way"
I was surprised, I apologised for asking him directions to his competition. "No" he said "we're only happy that people come to this area, the owner is a good friend of mine. Say hello"
"And who am I saying hello from?" I asked
"Rob" he responded as he pointed to my destination "enjoy your night and come by have a coffee after your dinner if you like. You are a very beautiful woman"
I was flattered. It was small, probably inappropriate, but it gave me that bit of confidence I was looking for all day. I didn't regret keeping the scarf.

Dinner was great. These were the people I liked back in school. We posed for lots of pictures. Will be posted in our facebooks soon no doubt. My other friends will see this part of me. It's all me but they see different sides.

There was a male belly dancer at this restaurant. The food was quite bad, but the belly dancer was a novelty. It was a guilty pleasure watching him gyrate so professionally. He was good. All the women flocked to him. Was it the dancing or was it the pheromones mixed in his sweat?

We were all single at the table. I remembered why we'd lost touch a decade ago. Out of high school everyone of them found a boyfriend, and our outings turned into me feeling quite uncomfortable and left out. So I simply stopped coming and they stopped inviting me. We'll never admit to that of course. 'We just lost contact', 'we moved' lots of excuses, none really true. Our lives moved on and here we were. All single. They've come round. They finally understand.

It's not about finding someone, one friend said. If I wanted to, it's the easiest thing to walk out to that club over there and pick up as many as I want. The problem is we're picky.. and the guys are intimidated because we are independent. I laughed on the inside. I thought this was just a Muslim problem, but apparently not.

I heard news of other friends. One, a close one who had helped me through a rough time, was not in good shape. She had acquired a disability. I was saddened. This could never happen to "us". This happened only to other people who appear on tv, not in real life, to my real life friends. But we were living in the real world, some more real than others. We all get what we are meant to get.

Eleven o'clock and I'm stopped at a traffic light. Two men, probably intoxicated in some way, are stopped to my right. It's a warm night and our windows are down, trying to feel some of that rare breeze. "Hey" they yell out at me "what's with the scarf? why are you wearing it"
"It's a religious thing" I answered despondently.
"what are you?"
"Muslim"
"what nationality are you?"
"Australian" I was in defensive mode by now
"yes but where are you originally from?"
"Australia"
"originally, where are you originally from?" they were getting frustrated by now
"my parents are from Australia, I'm not from anywhere else"
"can you get that?" they asked
"yes you can" I said and was thankful the light had turned green and skidded off at speed.
What I should have said was " yes, anyone can choose to be Muslim regardless of where they are or where they are from", but I was too defensive and caught off guard by then. They will never remember anyway.

I picture myself giving advice to a child. 'child' I say in my imagination 'you just be what you are, everyone else has their problems behind this facade. You just be what you need to be. You don't need approval from anyone'.
I wished someone had told me that as a child.

It's almost two in the morning. I'm ignoring another male. He's shocked that I've rejected him and he's behaving in quite an immature way. It's easier to just ignore him than to deal with it right now. I need to rest.

I will now retire this day. Put it past me and wonder. What will tomorrow bring? What could possibly happen? Who will I be?

special effects

I sit here with my laptop on my lap, an old film on tv and the sun about to set on another Ramadan day. I don't know what to say. There is so much I want to talk about, so much that is simmering inside of me, but I just can't release it. I'm afraid. I don't want it all to boil over one day, but I just don't know how to release it.

I want to tell you about how strange life is. I say that a lot, but I don't think you really grasp what I mean by it.

I want to ask why people do the things they do? What motivates someone to think so little of someone else's life? How could they not grasp the enormity of it? But they don't. Ever. Constantly.

Yet in the big scheme of things it doesn't matter. We only choose to be affected by others. We choose the way we react to what is around us. We choose how we change the world around us. Some of us have more recognisable impacts than others, but none have a smaller impact.

We all have big impacts in our own little ways. We never realise how easy it could be to shake someone's being by a simple gesture, a smile or even a glance. We are oblivious to it but we turn other people's lives upside down everyday.

We are constantly fluxing about, trying new things. Making new discoveries. Excitement comes and goes. We spiral about edging closer and closer, narrowing the circle until, if we're lucky, we reach our destination. The centre of the circle. I want to go there, but I don't know what it looks like. I will find out soon. I feel myself getting closer.

I'm in love!?

I came across this quote the other day, have a read and tell me what you think.

"We're all lonely for something we don't know we're lonely for. How else to explain the curious feeling that goes around feeling like missing somebody we've never even met?"
David Foster Wallace

It made me reflect back on something that's been with me for a long time now.

For a good number of years I've been hopelessly in love. A lot of people use the phrase lightly, but I really mean it. The kind of in love that makes you blind to everything else that goes on around you. For years I let the world pass me by without really participating.

As an adolescent I never got into trouble, never caused my parents pain, never got into teen relationships. Not because I'm risk averse or too scared. I was too busy being deeply in love.

As a young adult, and even till now in my late 20s I am still yet to experience the real world. Sure I've traveled and seen a lot but I've never really experienced any of it. Things have happened, and I can tell you stories of events in my life that you would not believe. I defy any human being on earth to have gone through half of what I've gone through, but it was all external. I never really experienced those events. They were merely stories that happened around me and I happened to be the central character in them. I went through them almost with a narrator in my head, reminding me that none of it was real.

I've never done anything irresponsible in my life either. Never spent too much money, never drove dangerously (well mostly anyway) and I certainly never tried to impress anyone. I was too busy being in love.

Sure I've wasted plenty of time over the years, but eventually, it didn't matter. It was time spent daydreaming, contemplating. It was time spent being in love.

The only problem is, I don't know who it is that I'm in love with. I always thought it was my future life partner. The one I hadn't met yet, but would someday meet and recognise instantly. I always, thought that to be involved with anyone else would be a kind of cheating on the one true love, the one I'd share the rest of my life with. My heart was never tempted.

Lately though, I'm starting to change my mind about that. Maybe it's not a human being that I'm in love with at all. Not Mr right. Maybe I'll never fall in love with Mr right. Maybe I'm already too in love with a much more deserving someone. Maybe I'm in love with the one, we're all supposed to be in love with. Maybe that is why my heart has no more room in it for another human being.

God is too great.

So where to from here? Where do I go from here?

Purity

I try as much as I try, to keep my heart pure
but it's harder than you imagine
to keep the darkness at bay
for it has already been corrupted, infiltrated
the darkness that surrounds my external, my world
thoughts knock on my mind's door
they try to enter any way they can
sometimes they seep in, more than I like
I can't keep them out
thoughts darker than even
the devil can imagine
I am not an angel
I am not pure of thought
I try hard as I can
because I am merely human
I need all the help, that You will give me
all the forgiveness that You will bestow upon me
and then I need some more.
I lack the strength to keep these thoughts at bay
please let me have the strength
to keep them out of my heart
for I only have one heart
for I am only human
walking blindly in darkness
I ask not for revenge
I ask only for happiness
I ask not for a sacrifice
I ask only for purity
I am selfish that way
let those who have transgressed on my heart
feel no guilt nor pay my dues
let me only know You, enough
to expunge the darkness from my heart
let me make room for the light.

Endings

They say that all good things must come to an end. That is in fact true, but is missing a huge piece of information. You see all bad things also come to an end, so do all mediocre things and so on. Everything eventually ends. That is really a blessing that we often mistake for a curse. Can you imagine if your childhood never ended? or your exams, or dental visit, or... ugh, I shudder at the thought.

No I'm eternally grateful that my life is really composed of a series of endings. It is the endings that I will remember, not the beginnings and certainly not the middles. It is at the end that we gain understanding and, more often than not, regret the beginning. I can't tell you how many memories I have where I cherish the ending but try to forget the beginning. I'm looking forward, with great anticipation, to the ultimate end... the time when my greatest understanding will occur. I only hope that my hindsight then will not be too hurtful. That my regrets won't be as big as my learnings and that there will be at least one memory where I cherish the beginning as much as the ending. That memory is yet to come.


Eventually, once we learn enough, our endings and our beginnings become memorable. Like nature has learnt to set the sun just as majestically as it raises it... no matter where you are.

Travel – Part II

Travelling is an obsession for some people. It’s an addiction, a need to see what’s on the other side, be anywhere except home. I have that illness, I need the distraction. The more stamps on my passport, the more I want. I’m still a novice traveller, but I’ve already learnt a few things.

I learnt that people always behave the same, no matter where you are. I learnt that a common language is not essential for meaningful communication. I learnt that sunsets look just as beautiful no matter who you are. I learnt that souls recognise each other, that bravery is needed for the world to go round and that we are all thinking the same things.

Maybe I could have learnt the same things if I’d stayed at home, but seeing is believing, and you’ve never really travelled till you’re alone in a place you don’t speak the language. It’s the perfect escape, complete anonymity. It’s priceless and it’s fleeting, because very quickly people will get to know you and you loose your hard earned anonymity. Then the choices come back, more confusing and more overwhelming than ever before.

abstraction

I must be one of the most ungrateful people in the world. I keep being saved from myself and I never realise it until it’s all over. By then of course there is inevitably some other obsession, something else to dream about and wonder. Yet deep down I know none of this will matter in the end. There are other things hidden away even from my own dreams.

Let me ask you something: Do you ever wonder what’s in the future? Of course you do, silly question. Everybody does. But do you wonder with hope and expectation or do you dread what the future will bring? Are you afraid of it?

I often imagine that I’m watching my own life from outside. If I weren’t in it, feeling it, what would I think? Would my choices be any different?

Eventually we will all look at our worlds from outside. Our past is already unreachable. Yet it makes us what we are. If I knew what was to come. If my decisions were always informed, I wouldn’t have any of the experiences. I’d miss out on the learning.

I thought about that as I walked away, knowing this would be the last time. I hadn’t said everything. I didn’t explain and I doubt I was understood. But I walked away. Another chapter had ended. It didn’t have to end this way, but this was one thing not in my hands. No amount of explaining would have been enough. People can cross paths but experience the same things very differently. Sometimes we are at different places in our lives and can never see other than inside ourselves. Eventually, some of us can look back on distant memories and see what had been invisible. I wonder what will appear for me. Yet I’ll always be fond of this memory and I’ll always be thankful that I got away. I had escaped with my life.

The next chapter has already started. There is always overlap. I walked away wondering what will the future bring. I wondered with curiosity, as if I’m not in it at all, for I know I’m only briefly visiting.