I'm in love!?

I came across this quote the other day, have a read and tell me what you think.

"We're all lonely for something we don't know we're lonely for. How else to explain the curious feeling that goes around feeling like missing somebody we've never even met?"
David Foster Wallace

It made me reflect back on something that's been with me for a long time now.

For a good number of years I've been hopelessly in love. A lot of people use the phrase lightly, but I really mean it. The kind of in love that makes you blind to everything else that goes on around you. For years I let the world pass me by without really participating.

As an adolescent I never got into trouble, never caused my parents pain, never got into teen relationships. Not because I'm risk averse or too scared. I was too busy being deeply in love.

As a young adult, and even till now in my late 20s I am still yet to experience the real world. Sure I've traveled and seen a lot but I've never really experienced any of it. Things have happened, and I can tell you stories of events in my life that you would not believe. I defy any human being on earth to have gone through half of what I've gone through, but it was all external. I never really experienced those events. They were merely stories that happened around me and I happened to be the central character in them. I went through them almost with a narrator in my head, reminding me that none of it was real.

I've never done anything irresponsible in my life either. Never spent too much money, never drove dangerously (well mostly anyway) and I certainly never tried to impress anyone. I was too busy being in love.

Sure I've wasted plenty of time over the years, but eventually, it didn't matter. It was time spent daydreaming, contemplating. It was time spent being in love.

The only problem is, I don't know who it is that I'm in love with. I always thought it was my future life partner. The one I hadn't met yet, but would someday meet and recognise instantly. I always, thought that to be involved with anyone else would be a kind of cheating on the one true love, the one I'd share the rest of my life with. My heart was never tempted.

Lately though, I'm starting to change my mind about that. Maybe it's not a human being that I'm in love with at all. Not Mr right. Maybe I'll never fall in love with Mr right. Maybe I'm already too in love with a much more deserving someone. Maybe I'm in love with the one, we're all supposed to be in love with. Maybe that is why my heart has no more room in it for another human being.

God is too great.

So where to from here? Where do I go from here?

Purity

I try as much as I try, to keep my heart pure
but it's harder than you imagine
to keep the darkness at bay
for it has already been corrupted, infiltrated
the darkness that surrounds my external, my world
thoughts knock on my mind's door
they try to enter any way they can
sometimes they seep in, more than I like
I can't keep them out
thoughts darker than even
the devil can imagine
I am not an angel
I am not pure of thought
I try hard as I can
because I am merely human
I need all the help, that You will give me
all the forgiveness that You will bestow upon me
and then I need some more.
I lack the strength to keep these thoughts at bay
please let me have the strength
to keep them out of my heart
for I only have one heart
for I am only human
walking blindly in darkness
I ask not for revenge
I ask only for happiness
I ask not for a sacrifice
I ask only for purity
I am selfish that way
let those who have transgressed on my heart
feel no guilt nor pay my dues
let me only know You, enough
to expunge the darkness from my heart
let me make room for the light.