One day a man decided to quit..
I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality.... I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
"God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"
His answer surprised me. "Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
"Yes", I replied. "When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth.
Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.
In the second year the fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.
"In third year there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit. The same in year four.
"Then in the fifth year, a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared to the fern, it was seemingly small and insignificant. But just six months later, the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall. It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive.
I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots? I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you.
"Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful.
"Your time will come", God said to me. "You will rise high
"How high should I rise?" I asked.
"How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return.
"As high as it can?" I questioned
"Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can."
I left the forest, realizing that God will never give up on me. And He will never give up on you.
Never regret a day in your life.
Good days give you happiness; bad days give you experiences; both are essential to life.
--Author Unknown
Monday 28 May 2007
Truce
A truce has been called.
The conflict is to stall.
Wars will never end.
It's human nature to fight,
but the sides need the respite.
They need to recoup.
They need to reevaluate.
Priorities must be set.
The future or the present.
A choice must be made.
But where does each lie?
Confusion will never end.
Yet they all fight on.
It's the fighting the keeps them going,
not so much the target.
For they know it will be destroyed.
Their very fight destroys it.
Neither will reach it.
Yet they will try.
They will give their lives in sacrifice.
They sacrifice all, for the impossible.
Don't they know it is impossible?
They must always try.
The conflict is to stall.
Wars will never end.
It's human nature to fight,
but the sides need the respite.
They need to recoup.
They need to reevaluate.
Priorities must be set.
The future or the present.
A choice must be made.
But where does each lie?
Confusion will never end.
Yet they all fight on.
It's the fighting the keeps them going,
not so much the target.
For they know it will be destroyed.
Their very fight destroys it.
Neither will reach it.
Yet they will try.
They will give their lives in sacrifice.
They sacrifice all, for the impossible.
Don't they know it is impossible?
They must always try.
Friday 25 May 2007
soulmate
Some writing by Mawlānā Jalāl-ad-Dīn Muhammad Balkhī
The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you,
not knowing how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.
. . . .
What was in that candle's light
that opened and consumed me so quickly?
Come back, my Friend! The form of our love
is not a created form.
Nothing can help me but that Beauty.
. . . .
Anyone that feels drawn,
for however short a time, to anyone else,
those two share a common consciousness.
The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you,
not knowing how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.
. . . .
What was in that candle's light
that opened and consumed me so quickly?
Come back, my Friend! The form of our love
is not a created form.
Nothing can help me but that Beauty.
. . . .
Anyone that feels drawn,
for however short a time, to anyone else,
those two share a common consciousness.
Search
In darkness eternal, I search for light.
Desperately I search in vein. I have lost everything.
I lament..... the loss of things I never possessed.
Concepts, hopes and wishes.
Reality I saw in others and wished for myself.
I should have known better. I should have known that mine is different.
That I am different.
I ask for much much more.
My greed is infinite. But your mercy is bigger.
I desire so much more than that.
I must give up so much more than that. I understand that now.
My faith is such that I know.
I know without ever seeing, without ever hearing.
I know that there is light.
I know that I must travel longer and farther, but I know the light is there... somewhere
I must look for it. I must find it. I must reach it.
I must sacrifice all these dreams. Earthly dreams.
I search for much more than mere dust.
I search for heaven itself.
I fear that I might never find it.
That I will be plunged into a darker eternity, darker even than my unbearable present.
I fear that I will lose even my faith.
But I trust in your love for me, in your plan for me.
I trust in your mercy, infinite as it is.
You would not let me go.
I don’t deserve it, but I ask for it
Who else would I ask? I need to ask
I need to ask for the impossible.
I plead for the irreplaceable.
I ask because I believe.
Desperately I search in vein. I have lost everything.
I lament..... the loss of things I never possessed.
Concepts, hopes and wishes.
Reality I saw in others and wished for myself.
I should have known better. I should have known that mine is different.
That I am different.
I ask for much much more.
My greed is infinite. But your mercy is bigger.
I desire so much more than that.
I must give up so much more than that. I understand that now.
My faith is such that I know.
I know without ever seeing, without ever hearing.
I know that there is light.
I know that I must travel longer and farther, but I know the light is there... somewhere
I must look for it. I must find it. I must reach it.
I must sacrifice all these dreams. Earthly dreams.
I search for much more than mere dust.
I search for heaven itself.
I fear that I might never find it.
That I will be plunged into a darker eternity, darker even than my unbearable present.
I fear that I will lose even my faith.
But I trust in your love for me, in your plan for me.
I trust in your mercy, infinite as it is.
You would not let me go.
I don’t deserve it, but I ask for it
Who else would I ask? I need to ask
I need to ask for the impossible.
I plead for the irreplaceable.
I ask because I believe.
Tuesday 22 May 2007
There is a war in my soul
Deep down in my soul. There is a war. I am not perfect. But I am not as bad as all this. The fight does not end. There are regrets. But I am not as bad as all that. I have always tried my best. To be as good a person as can be. Now there is a war in my soul. Between honour and desire. My desire is not all that bad. My honour says you are better than that. “Listen to me” it whispers. “You can do better”. “You deserve more”. “This will make you happy” my desire strikes back. “There is no better”. “This is it”. “You don’t want anything else”. “This is what you have dreamed of”. But I did not dream this part. Not this way. I can be so much. If only I can be. This war in my soul destroys all. It burns in my soul. Whichever I choose. I will never know. What it means to be happy. Just let me be. Let me let go. Let me shut my eyes. Let me drift into the abyss. I don’t want to take sides. Let them fight out this war. I will never have what I want. I will never get what I need. I will drift into oblivion. Maybe it’s comfortable there. Maybe then, my tears will finally come.Sunday 20 May 2007
Why men can't get up in the morning
Was going through some old files and found this joke that was circulating around email a while back... Thought it was funny.
BRAIN LOG; 063015112000
SYSTEM: Attention. Alert registered.
CENTRAL: Alert? Number One, report!
NUMBER ONE: Sir! We're picking up loud music.
CENTRAL: Music? We were just asleep!
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Ears report it's "The Last Train to Clarksville."
CENTRAL: Good lord, are we being tortured?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Eyes are functional and request instruction.
CENTRAL: Tell them to open up and try to find out what is going on.
NUMBER ONE: Scope! Okay, I see darkness... darkness... Wait, there's a woman sleeping there.
CENTRAL: A woman?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station wants to know if it is Anna Kournikova.
CENTRAL: Forget about Libido. What can you tell me?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Memory reports a near perfect match to "wife," sir.
CENTRAL: Well of course. Keep looking.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, urgent report from Stomach on the horn, do you want to take it?
CENTRAL: Stomach, what's going on?
STOMACH: Sir, we've taken a hit, it... it looks bad, sir.
CENTRAL: Get hold of yourself, man!
STOMACH: Yes sir. It looks like a burrito, sir. It exploded at about 1900 hours and we've been out of action ever since. I don't... I don't know if she can take much more, Captain.
CENTRAL: Stomach! Now you listen to me, son. We're all counting on you up here. Don't give up now. Remember the chilli of '94? We made it through that, we can make it through anything.
STOMACH: Yes sir. You can count on me, sir.
CENTRAL: Good man.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, I've got a visual on the clock!
CENTRAL: Tell me, Number One.
NUMBER ONE: Oh my God, sir. It's horrible.
CENTRAL: Dammit sailor, get a grip on yourself!
NUMBER ONE: It's... It's six thirty, sir. In the morning.
CENTRAL: In the morning? Not again. I thought... I thought that we'd had the worst of it yesterday.
SYSTEM: Sixty seconds to consciousness.
CENTRAL: This is madness. Do you know what's going to happen if we go conscious now, this early?
NUMBER ONE: Work, sir?
CENTRAL: That's right, Number One. It'll be work, all right. I don't... I don't know if I can live through that hell again.
SYSTEM: Fifty seconds to consciousness.
NUMBER ONE: Sir? Do you have orders?
CENTRAL: Hmmm?
NUMBER ONE: Orders, sir. Do you have orders for us?
CENTRAL: Orders? Orders, Number One? Damn right there are orders! Let's get ourselves moving.
NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir!
SYSTEM: Forty seconds to consciousness.
CENTRAL: Shut that damn thing off, I'm trying to think. Get our remote stations on line. I want a Search and Acquire on anything that feels like a snooze button. Tell them to move. Bladder!
BLADDER: Yes sir?
CENTRAL: How are you holding?
BLADDER: All systems are flush and ready, sir. We can go another three hours, easy.
CENTRAL: Very well, Bladder. Number One, get me Nose on the horn.
NOSE: Sir, Nose reporting, sir!
CENTRAL: Good to hear from you, Nose. How are you doing up there?
NOSE: Sir, ah, we registered cat breath about twenty minutes ago, but it was pretty faint and I didn't think...
CENTRAL: Steady on, nose. You were right not to trigger an alert.
NOSE: Thank you, sir.
CENTRAL: Nose, I'm afraid I have bad news for you, son. We took a burrito last night.
NOSE: Oh no, sir, not again!
CENTRAL: I said steady! You're going to have to hold on, you hear me? Hold on,and it will pass. I don't want ANYTHING getting through to Consciousness.
NOSE: Yes sir. I'll try, sir.
CENTRAL: That's the spirit. Stomach!
STOMACH: Sir?
CENTRAL: How are you doing down there?
STOMACH: We've been breached, Captain. The whole alimentary is in flames. I'm trying to keep it contained, but I can't promise anything.
CENTRAL: Damn!
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station reports it is ready for battle!
CENTRAL: Tell Libido to calm down, I'll call him when I need him. Any report from our search party?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Fingers report they located and toppled a glass of water, a pair of glasses, and a box of Kleenex. No luck on the snooze, sir.
CENTRAL: Number One, I don't mind telling you, if we don't get this under control we're going to lose her.
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Sir, Libido requests positive verification that the woman sleeping next to us is not Anna Kournikova.
CENTRAL: For crying out loud.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Ears reports the song is over. It's going to commercial, sir.
CENTRAL: How much time on the system clock?
NUMBER ONE: Ten seconds to consciousness, sir. We've lost smile control in the lower facial and we're developing a frown.
CENTRAL: Brace yourself, Number One. I'm afraid we've had it.
NUMBER ONE: Sir! Fingers has located target. Repeat, Fingers is on target!
CENTRAL: Fire!
NUMBER ONE: Hit! Sir, direct hit!
CENTRAL: Ears!
NUMBER ONE: It's gone, Captain! Ears reports the music is gone!
CENTRAL: We've done it!
SYSTEM: Consciousness canceled.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, all systems are ready for sleep mode. Repeat, sleep mode now ready.
CENTRAL: Trigger sleep mode NOW.
NUMBER ONE: Sleep mode triggered, aye aye, sir.
CENTRAL: Shut Eyes.
NUMBER ONE: Eyes off, sir. Frown relaxed, smile restored.
CENTRAL: By golly, that was a close one.
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Sir, Dream Team requests selection. Libido asking for something naked, sir.
CENTRAL: Request denied. Let's roll the one where we show up for church wearing only our underwear, I like that one.
NUMBER ONE: Roger that, sir. Dream selection completed and tape is rolling, sir.
CENTRAL: Good work, Number One. You take the helm.
NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir.
BRAIN LOG; 063015112000
SYSTEM: Attention. Alert registered.
CENTRAL: Alert? Number One, report!
NUMBER ONE: Sir! We're picking up loud music.
CENTRAL: Music? We were just asleep!
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Ears report it's "The Last Train to Clarksville."
CENTRAL: Good lord, are we being tortured?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Eyes are functional and request instruction.
CENTRAL: Tell them to open up and try to find out what is going on.
NUMBER ONE: Scope! Okay, I see darkness... darkness... Wait, there's a woman sleeping there.
CENTRAL: A woman?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station wants to know if it is Anna Kournikova.
CENTRAL: Forget about Libido. What can you tell me?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Memory reports a near perfect match to "wife," sir.
CENTRAL: Well of course. Keep looking.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, urgent report from Stomach on the horn, do you want to take it?
CENTRAL: Stomach, what's going on?
STOMACH: Sir, we've taken a hit, it... it looks bad, sir.
CENTRAL: Get hold of yourself, man!
STOMACH: Yes sir. It looks like a burrito, sir. It exploded at about 1900 hours and we've been out of action ever since. I don't... I don't know if she can take much more, Captain.
CENTRAL: Stomach! Now you listen to me, son. We're all counting on you up here. Don't give up now. Remember the chilli of '94? We made it through that, we can make it through anything.
STOMACH: Yes sir. You can count on me, sir.
CENTRAL: Good man.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, I've got a visual on the clock!
CENTRAL: Tell me, Number One.
NUMBER ONE: Oh my God, sir. It's horrible.
CENTRAL: Dammit sailor, get a grip on yourself!
NUMBER ONE: It's... It's six thirty, sir. In the morning.
CENTRAL: In the morning? Not again. I thought... I thought that we'd had the worst of it yesterday.
SYSTEM: Sixty seconds to consciousness.
CENTRAL: This is madness. Do you know what's going to happen if we go conscious now, this early?
NUMBER ONE: Work, sir?
CENTRAL: That's right, Number One. It'll be work, all right. I don't... I don't know if I can live through that hell again.
SYSTEM: Fifty seconds to consciousness.
NUMBER ONE: Sir? Do you have orders?
CENTRAL: Hmmm?
NUMBER ONE: Orders, sir. Do you have orders for us?
CENTRAL: Orders? Orders, Number One? Damn right there are orders! Let's get ourselves moving.
NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir!
SYSTEM: Forty seconds to consciousness.
CENTRAL: Shut that damn thing off, I'm trying to think. Get our remote stations on line. I want a Search and Acquire on anything that feels like a snooze button. Tell them to move. Bladder!
BLADDER: Yes sir?
CENTRAL: How are you holding?
BLADDER: All systems are flush and ready, sir. We can go another three hours, easy.
CENTRAL: Very well, Bladder. Number One, get me Nose on the horn.
NOSE: Sir, Nose reporting, sir!
CENTRAL: Good to hear from you, Nose. How are you doing up there?
NOSE: Sir, ah, we registered cat breath about twenty minutes ago, but it was pretty faint and I didn't think...
CENTRAL: Steady on, nose. You were right not to trigger an alert.
NOSE: Thank you, sir.
CENTRAL: Nose, I'm afraid I have bad news for you, son. We took a burrito last night.
NOSE: Oh no, sir, not again!
CENTRAL: I said steady! You're going to have to hold on, you hear me? Hold on,and it will pass. I don't want ANYTHING getting through to Consciousness.
NOSE: Yes sir. I'll try, sir.
CENTRAL: That's the spirit. Stomach!
STOMACH: Sir?
CENTRAL: How are you doing down there?
STOMACH: We've been breached, Captain. The whole alimentary is in flames. I'm trying to keep it contained, but I can't promise anything.
CENTRAL: Damn!
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station reports it is ready for battle!
CENTRAL: Tell Libido to calm down, I'll call him when I need him. Any report from our search party?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Fingers report they located and toppled a glass of water, a pair of glasses, and a box of Kleenex. No luck on the snooze, sir.
CENTRAL: Number One, I don't mind telling you, if we don't get this under control we're going to lose her.
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Sir, Libido requests positive verification that the woman sleeping next to us is not Anna Kournikova.
CENTRAL: For crying out loud.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Ears reports the song is over. It's going to commercial, sir.
CENTRAL: How much time on the system clock?
NUMBER ONE: Ten seconds to consciousness, sir. We've lost smile control in the lower facial and we're developing a frown.
CENTRAL: Brace yourself, Number One. I'm afraid we've had it.
NUMBER ONE: Sir! Fingers has located target. Repeat, Fingers is on target!
CENTRAL: Fire!
NUMBER ONE: Hit! Sir, direct hit!
CENTRAL: Ears!
NUMBER ONE: It's gone, Captain! Ears reports the music is gone!
CENTRAL: We've done it!
SYSTEM: Consciousness canceled.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, all systems are ready for sleep mode. Repeat, sleep mode now ready.
CENTRAL: Trigger sleep mode NOW.
NUMBER ONE: Sleep mode triggered, aye aye, sir.
CENTRAL: Shut Eyes.
NUMBER ONE: Eyes off, sir. Frown relaxed, smile restored.
CENTRAL: By golly, that was a close one.
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Sir, Dream Team requests selection. Libido asking for something naked, sir.
CENTRAL: Request denied. Let's roll the one where we show up for church wearing only our underwear, I like that one.
NUMBER ONE: Roger that, sir. Dream selection completed and tape is rolling, sir.
CENTRAL: Good work, Number One. You take the helm.
NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir.
Friday 18 May 2007
untitled
...
will anyone notice
will anyone care
will anyone shed a tear
for a life that no longer is
for a life that never could
will anyone remember
when I am gone
will it be too late
will I have lingered
too many breaths
too much consumed
my tears don't come today
they are afraid
they would fall an eternity
they hide
they know
no one to notice
no one to care
my scars don’t show
but be sure they are there
they are frightened to appear
for if they do, they might unheal
under a veil of smiles
under a mask of laughter
they hide well
but if you listen closely
you will see what it all means
but you will not listen
you will not care
we all have a purpose
mine is to serve
to take the fall
to absorb it all
we all live for a dream
mine is to dream
dreams that will never be
dreams that will disappear
forgotten
along with me
no one will ever notice
no one will ever care
“good riddance”
they will say
“more room for me”
they will say
“more dreams for the rest”
they will know
few will notice
none will care
but I must dream
my dreams can live
in my soul they flourish
my purpose is to dream
maybe someday
my dreams will be borrowed
and then someone will care
my dreams are memories
my memories are dreams
what is the difference
except time
and what is time
time turns our dreams to memories
memories that have
memories that never will
they are all memories
some we forget
many we don’t notice
in the end, none of us will care
Sunday 13 May 2007
talking
Today I witnessed something very special. I witnessed the true making of history.
It was not a revolution, the signing of a new treaty or a natural disaster. It was not a war and will never be reported on the news. No one will remember the date or where they were today, and only those who took part will ever know that it happened. Most of us, including those who took part, will not even realise that this is where history changed, before our very eyes.
It was a simple discussion. A small group of ordinary people who came together and talked for a little while. There was food and drink and kids playing and babies crying. There were jokes and laughs and even games. It was a great chance to catch up with old friends and make new ones. It was also a great chance to swap ideas and talk about our world.
We talked global. We tried to understand our world and why it is what it is, and what part we played in it. We talked about what we could do today to change it for the better, to make the life of every human being on earth better. There were the pessimists and the optimists.
In the end no plan of action came of it, no concrete steps. It was only concepts. Seeds were planted for us to think about. Ideas to keep in the back of our minds.
None of us will actually change our lives tomorrow, but we will, subconsciously take small steps and, by example, ask those around us to take small steps. Gradually, if enough people in the world take small steps, history itself will have changed.
It was not a revolution, the signing of a new treaty or a natural disaster. It was not a war and will never be reported on the news. No one will remember the date or where they were today, and only those who took part will ever know that it happened. Most of us, including those who took part, will not even realise that this is where history changed, before our very eyes.
It was a simple discussion. A small group of ordinary people who came together and talked for a little while. There was food and drink and kids playing and babies crying. There were jokes and laughs and even games. It was a great chance to catch up with old friends and make new ones. It was also a great chance to swap ideas and talk about our world.
We talked global. We tried to understand our world and why it is what it is, and what part we played in it. We talked about what we could do today to change it for the better, to make the life of every human being on earth better. There were the pessimists and the optimists.
In the end no plan of action came of it, no concrete steps. It was only concepts. Seeds were planted for us to think about. Ideas to keep in the back of our minds.
None of us will actually change our lives tomorrow, but we will, subconsciously take small steps and, by example, ask those around us to take small steps. Gradually, if enough people in the world take small steps, history itself will have changed.
Monday 7 May 2007
The spoon
Sometimes I remember things. I notice things, strange, disconnected probably totally random things. Yet they are engraved in my memory.
Sometime ago I left my home early in the morning. As I walked on that icy cold morning, the wind hitting me on the face and the frost crunching underneath my feat, I was planning my day. It was a busy, yet normal day. I had a lot of things to do, but nothing really unusual was on my mind. There were no major projects happening in my life, nothing in particular to look forward to.
As I walked briskly, something on the ground attracted my attention. It was a spoon! There was nothing special or unusual about this spoon, except that it was left there on the curb. It was an odd place to leave a perfectly good looking spoon. Someone out there must be sitting to their breakfast right now, with cereal in their bowl, milk added and no spoon! Could that really be true? Would someone really own only one spoon and then drop it on the curb without noticing? Why would they be out on the street with their only spoon anyway?
Nah, they probably have other spoons. They must have a whole collection, with forks and knives too. That is how people live. That is how spoons live. They are never alone. They are always in groups. They live with other spoons, just like them. Sometimes they work alone, but most of the time they work with others, similar but different, like forks and knives. The spoon must be miserable. Lying there alone and unloved in the gutter.
All things must die, but what a horrible death. No one came to look for it, not one bothering to pick it up. Even I ignored it as I walked past, planning my day.
Today I was going to get a lot done. I had a full schedule of meetings, catchups, reports to write, phone calls to make. It was going to be a productive day. I was going to end it somewhere else. I was going to my other home.
I felt too scattered. I have too many homes. Too many places to forget things. Too many places to belong and I just end up belonging to none. I don't like that. I want to just be in one place. I just need to be myself, to stop planning, to just live for now. but I can't. I have to perform. Wear my confidence and independence on the outside as I wade though life, day by day.
This day was no different. There was praise, acknowledgment, disappointment, small successes and small failures. There were talks and fake smiles as well as genuine ones. There were tears that never had a chance to see the light of day. It was exhausting.
As I drove the long drive home, at the end of a long and exhausting day, the sort of day that had really taken a lot out of me. I felt mangled and tied up. I wondered, how was that spoon doing now? Had anyone noticed it? Had anyone helped it? or was it still lying there in desperation? Had the harsh sun twisted and mangled it beyond all hope?
As I parked my car and opened the door to get out. My weary eyes glanced something. Something very strange and unusual in the gutter. Here hundreds of kilometers away, in the mud it was there. It was unmistakable. It was a fork! I should have picked up that spoon. I should have brought it with me. It was too late then. I would have to live with this forever. I could have helped, but I chose to abandon, and now I too would be abandoned.
Sometime ago I left my home early in the morning. As I walked on that icy cold morning, the wind hitting me on the face and the frost crunching underneath my feat, I was planning my day. It was a busy, yet normal day. I had a lot of things to do, but nothing really unusual was on my mind. There were no major projects happening in my life, nothing in particular to look forward to.
As I walked briskly, something on the ground attracted my attention. It was a spoon! There was nothing special or unusual about this spoon, except that it was left there on the curb. It was an odd place to leave a perfectly good looking spoon. Someone out there must be sitting to their breakfast right now, with cereal in their bowl, milk added and no spoon! Could that really be true? Would someone really own only one spoon and then drop it on the curb without noticing? Why would they be out on the street with their only spoon anyway?
Nah, they probably have other spoons. They must have a whole collection, with forks and knives too. That is how people live. That is how spoons live. They are never alone. They are always in groups. They live with other spoons, just like them. Sometimes they work alone, but most of the time they work with others, similar but different, like forks and knives. The spoon must be miserable. Lying there alone and unloved in the gutter.
All things must die, but what a horrible death. No one came to look for it, not one bothering to pick it up. Even I ignored it as I walked past, planning my day.
Today I was going to get a lot done. I had a full schedule of meetings, catchups, reports to write, phone calls to make. It was going to be a productive day. I was going to end it somewhere else. I was going to my other home.
I felt too scattered. I have too many homes. Too many places to forget things. Too many places to belong and I just end up belonging to none. I don't like that. I want to just be in one place. I just need to be myself, to stop planning, to just live for now. but I can't. I have to perform. Wear my confidence and independence on the outside as I wade though life, day by day.
This day was no different. There was praise, acknowledgment, disappointment, small successes and small failures. There were talks and fake smiles as well as genuine ones. There were tears that never had a chance to see the light of day. It was exhausting.
As I drove the long drive home, at the end of a long and exhausting day, the sort of day that had really taken a lot out of me. I felt mangled and tied up. I wondered, how was that spoon doing now? Had anyone noticed it? Had anyone helped it? or was it still lying there in desperation? Had the harsh sun twisted and mangled it beyond all hope?
As I parked my car and opened the door to get out. My weary eyes glanced something. Something very strange and unusual in the gutter. Here hundreds of kilometers away, in the mud it was there. It was unmistakable. It was a fork! I should have picked up that spoon. I should have brought it with me. It was too late then. I would have to live with this forever. I could have helped, but I chose to abandon, and now I too would be abandoned.
The train ride
Every morning I have a routine. I get up, do my bathroom thing, get dressed, realise that I am going to miss my train, run to catch it, get to the train station with plenty of time to spare, the train comes on time... This is where things departed from routine today.
Normally the train is fairly comfortable. I always get a seat, get out my book and immerse myself into it till I get to my station. I usually really enjoy my train journey. It gives me time to think, be alone, expand my mind without the hassles and nagging of life. It's one of the few times of my day when I don't have to live up to some responsibility or expectation. I just get on and it gets me to where I need to go.
Today however to my dismay the train arrived almost full! How could the train be full at my station, this early in the morning? Where did all those people come from? They are not supposed to be there.
Well I had no choice about it; I squeezed on and found a pole to hang onto, along with about six other people stretched out attempting to avoid the need to grab onto someone else's coat instead.
Now in such situations, where everyone is forced to invade others' personal space there are norms and conventions. Understood and unspoken behaviours peculiar to each particular part of the world.
The first rule is to avoid making eye contact with anyone. If you are squeezed together so tightly that you are almost locked in a twenty minute embrace, you don't want to remember what the person looks like, in case you run into them again in another more natural setting. That could be quite awkward. If by accident you happen to make eye contact with someone then politely smile and look away.
Secondly, you never make bored movements, like exhaling loudly, rolling your eyes, fidgeting or anything else to signal to the persons around you that you are uncomfortable about the situation. You are all in the same boat... and although there may be the odd pervert who is having the time of their lives you are better off assuming everyone else is as uncomfortable as you are. For the sake of your own sanity.
Thirdly, you must not talk on the phone. There is nothing worse than being packed into a sardine can with someone speaking loudly in your ear to describe the very situation you are in and explaining how uncomfortable it is... No generally you must pretend this is not happening. You try to make yourself and everyone else around you as comfortable as can be expected by trying not to annoy them. It is the best you can do short of getting off.
Finally, you should realise that if now is when you remember that you haven't had a shower, then it's too late to do anything about it. Don't get out the spray and start masking your BO on the train. Causing others to faint is not an acceptable social practice.
The only option you really have is to simply get off the train... or if you don't care about social acceptance much (which chances are you don't, unless the source of your BO is an early morning bike ride to the train station) then you can pretend you are a mentally disabled homeless person and complain about all the extra people on the train in the morning waking you up and not giving you enough room for your morning wee. That will surely create lots of room for you on the train to be comfortable.
There are other dynamics that also occur. For example there is the inevitable couple who complain to each other about the squeeze and their inability to find something to hold onto. They are really pretending. In fact they couldn't be happier. They have found the perfect excuse to get up close and hold onto each other while imagining that they have avoided the glares of disapproval. Or even better, if you get on the train with someone you fancy. You can use the excuse that "something with four legs is more stable than something with two legs" and happily grab onto them. No one will blame you for it... and you never know, this might just be the catalyst you needed to start that something you've both been secretly hoping for. Just out of consideration for everyone else involved in this hug though, don't start pashing in the carriage!
So here I was on this crowded train, music in my ears (not loud enough for others to hear), eyes closed trying to imagine my next holiday... I was nearly there. I was not uncomfortable. Except for my arm going numb trying to reach for the pole, this wasn't so bad. If only I could move this bag underneath me, then I can get closer to the pole and I won't have to reach any more....
"Excuse me" I said politely to the strange looking woman sitting in front of me "is this your bag?"
My first mistake was attempting to speak to a woman in a bright blue suit, pink shirt and a topless cap with her hair bunched to the top like a palm tree. Her "yes" was very abrupt.
"Would you mind moving it to the other side" I proceeded un-phased by the pink pin on her collar in the shape of a female like you'd find on toilet doors "it's making it very difficult to stand"
"Where would I put it there is no room" she said and continued to read in her hot rod magazine completely ignoring me. It wasn't enough that I was standing and she was sitting, she had to make me stand uncomfortably.
"ok then" I replied "I hope you don't mind when I fall on you". It was a stupid reply, but other standers understood. They sympathised. They gave her looks that she ignored pretending to peer over her magazine. We were banding together, trying to make the best of our misfortune, and no one else could understand that.
We are like that aren't we as people? The less we have the more helpful we try to be towards each other.
I hope that the next time I am sitting; I will remember that there are others not as lucky as me, and I will do what I can to make them more comfortable. If they have to go on their journey with less than me, then I will try my best not to make it harder for them... I will move my things.
Normally the train is fairly comfortable. I always get a seat, get out my book and immerse myself into it till I get to my station. I usually really enjoy my train journey. It gives me time to think, be alone, expand my mind without the hassles and nagging of life. It's one of the few times of my day when I don't have to live up to some responsibility or expectation. I just get on and it gets me to where I need to go.
Today however to my dismay the train arrived almost full! How could the train be full at my station, this early in the morning? Where did all those people come from? They are not supposed to be there.
Well I had no choice about it; I squeezed on and found a pole to hang onto, along with about six other people stretched out attempting to avoid the need to grab onto someone else's coat instead.
Now in such situations, where everyone is forced to invade others' personal space there are norms and conventions. Understood and unspoken behaviours peculiar to each particular part of the world.
The first rule is to avoid making eye contact with anyone. If you are squeezed together so tightly that you are almost locked in a twenty minute embrace, you don't want to remember what the person looks like, in case you run into them again in another more natural setting. That could be quite awkward. If by accident you happen to make eye contact with someone then politely smile and look away.
Secondly, you never make bored movements, like exhaling loudly, rolling your eyes, fidgeting or anything else to signal to the persons around you that you are uncomfortable about the situation. You are all in the same boat... and although there may be the odd pervert who is having the time of their lives you are better off assuming everyone else is as uncomfortable as you are. For the sake of your own sanity.
Thirdly, you must not talk on the phone. There is nothing worse than being packed into a sardine can with someone speaking loudly in your ear to describe the very situation you are in and explaining how uncomfortable it is... No generally you must pretend this is not happening. You try to make yourself and everyone else around you as comfortable as can be expected by trying not to annoy them. It is the best you can do short of getting off.
Finally, you should realise that if now is when you remember that you haven't had a shower, then it's too late to do anything about it. Don't get out the spray and start masking your BO on the train. Causing others to faint is not an acceptable social practice.
The only option you really have is to simply get off the train... or if you don't care about social acceptance much (which chances are you don't, unless the source of your BO is an early morning bike ride to the train station) then you can pretend you are a mentally disabled homeless person and complain about all the extra people on the train in the morning waking you up and not giving you enough room for your morning wee. That will surely create lots of room for you on the train to be comfortable.
There are other dynamics that also occur. For example there is the inevitable couple who complain to each other about the squeeze and their inability to find something to hold onto. They are really pretending. In fact they couldn't be happier. They have found the perfect excuse to get up close and hold onto each other while imagining that they have avoided the glares of disapproval. Or even better, if you get on the train with someone you fancy. You can use the excuse that "something with four legs is more stable than something with two legs" and happily grab onto them. No one will blame you for it... and you never know, this might just be the catalyst you needed to start that something you've both been secretly hoping for. Just out of consideration for everyone else involved in this hug though, don't start pashing in the carriage!
So here I was on this crowded train, music in my ears (not loud enough for others to hear), eyes closed trying to imagine my next holiday... I was nearly there. I was not uncomfortable. Except for my arm going numb trying to reach for the pole, this wasn't so bad. If only I could move this bag underneath me, then I can get closer to the pole and I won't have to reach any more....
"Excuse me" I said politely to the strange looking woman sitting in front of me "is this your bag?"
My first mistake was attempting to speak to a woman in a bright blue suit, pink shirt and a topless cap with her hair bunched to the top like a palm tree. Her "yes" was very abrupt.
"Would you mind moving it to the other side" I proceeded un-phased by the pink pin on her collar in the shape of a female like you'd find on toilet doors "it's making it very difficult to stand"
"Where would I put it there is no room" she said and continued to read in her hot rod magazine completely ignoring me. It wasn't enough that I was standing and she was sitting, she had to make me stand uncomfortably.
"ok then" I replied "I hope you don't mind when I fall on you". It was a stupid reply, but other standers understood. They sympathised. They gave her looks that she ignored pretending to peer over her magazine. We were banding together, trying to make the best of our misfortune, and no one else could understand that.
We are like that aren't we as people? The less we have the more helpful we try to be towards each other.
I hope that the next time I am sitting; I will remember that there are others not as lucky as me, and I will do what I can to make them more comfortable. If they have to go on their journey with less than me, then I will try my best not to make it harder for them... I will move my things.
Friday 4 May 2007
Hope
I have hope
I have dreams
My dreams give me hope
My hope gives me dreams
I dream too much
I dream of all
I hope for more
I expect none
It is dangerous to dream
It is disappointing to hope
I have what I have
That is all I have
I have hope
Wednesday 2 May 2007
Prologue
so.. I guess you are wondering what on earth is the title of this blog. What the hell is onion in fruit salad.
Is that supposed to be funny or something. It's a bit lame I know, but it is how I feel about my life.
Bear with me while I take you on possibly the worst analogy you have ever encountered.
Think of life like a salad. Different people's lives are like different kinds of salads. Different ingredients get mixed together to make a single harmonious tasty dish. There are traditional hard working green salads, strong filling cesar salads, warm chicken salads, sweet fruit salads. There are exotic salads with nuts, cheeses, olives and green leaves and mangoes and oranges and all kinds of dressings. You get my point. We pick and choose our own ingredients and somehow it all just works. We know how to pick the right ingredients.
Some of us can't seem to get the right combination. We go through life confused, not knowing exactly where we are headed or where we belong. We start off trying to be a traditional green salad, then we see some other person's recipe and we like it so we try to borrow some ideas... those people are like me. We end up with onion in our fruit salad.
I like to think I know where I'm headed. I've always had a plan and have always been determined and driven. I've always done well with whatever life threw at me (and believe me a lot was thrown my way). I'm doing well for myself, I have a lot...
but late at night, when I sit back in a bed flooded with moon light. When I have time to think alone and be honest with myself. I realise that I'm not really where I had planned to be. I'm not where I thought I was headed. I had improvised when I couldn't find what I looked for and I had taken what came easy.... So I ended up with this life. It's a perfect combination of fresh ripe fruit, it is something to be envied. Everybody does envy it. Everyone wants a piece of it... but get up close and the onion will make you cry.
It is there, it is inescapable.... and you know what... I haven't finished yet. I'm still improvising and I have no idea what will be in the end.
Is that supposed to be funny or something. It's a bit lame I know, but it is how I feel about my life.
Bear with me while I take you on possibly the worst analogy you have ever encountered.
Think of life like a salad. Different people's lives are like different kinds of salads. Different ingredients get mixed together to make a single harmonious tasty dish. There are traditional hard working green salads, strong filling cesar salads, warm chicken salads, sweet fruit salads. There are exotic salads with nuts, cheeses, olives and green leaves and mangoes and oranges and all kinds of dressings. You get my point. We pick and choose our own ingredients and somehow it all just works. We know how to pick the right ingredients.
Some of us can't seem to get the right combination. We go through life confused, not knowing exactly where we are headed or where we belong. We start off trying to be a traditional green salad, then we see some other person's recipe and we like it so we try to borrow some ideas... those people are like me. We end up with onion in our fruit salad.
I like to think I know where I'm headed. I've always had a plan and have always been determined and driven. I've always done well with whatever life threw at me (and believe me a lot was thrown my way). I'm doing well for myself, I have a lot...
but late at night, when I sit back in a bed flooded with moon light. When I have time to think alone and be honest with myself. I realise that I'm not really where I had planned to be. I'm not where I thought I was headed. I had improvised when I couldn't find what I looked for and I had taken what came easy.... So I ended up with this life. It's a perfect combination of fresh ripe fruit, it is something to be envied. Everybody does envy it. Everyone wants a piece of it... but get up close and the onion will make you cry.
It is there, it is inescapable.... and you know what... I haven't finished yet. I'm still improvising and I have no idea what will be in the end.
Ready... set... fall
Well here we are. Me, a blog, and no readership.
I guess that really is part of the attraction at this stage.
I fool myself into thinking I'm talking to the world, but actually the world couldn't care less.
That is really what this blog may turn out to be about. I say 'may' because I don't really know what mood I'll be in tomorrow or the day after, or even if I'll have the energy or motivation to keep this up. It is sort of like a diary that everyone can see, but no one is interested in.
It'll be about the irony of life.. my life. The contradictions. Sometimes I may have a spark of creativity and write something good. Occasionally I may even write something profound. Most of the time it'll be random thoughts blurted out silently... kinda like this one.
I'll probably live to regret it. Why let the whole world know what is going on in my life, my head... my heart.. then again, who will read it? I'm talking to myself essentially.
I won't start by introducing myself. I won't tell you my name, my age where I live. I won't paint you a picture of outward appearances or pin down the markers I'm expected to define myself within. I'll let you decide that for yourself. You can guess, or assign a life to me that you imagine I should have, or must have.
Instead I will paint a picture from the inside. I will try to be brave enough to show you my thoughts...
I guess that really is part of the attraction at this stage.
I fool myself into thinking I'm talking to the world, but actually the world couldn't care less.
That is really what this blog may turn out to be about. I say 'may' because I don't really know what mood I'll be in tomorrow or the day after, or even if I'll have the energy or motivation to keep this up. It is sort of like a diary that everyone can see, but no one is interested in.
It'll be about the irony of life.. my life. The contradictions. Sometimes I may have a spark of creativity and write something good. Occasionally I may even write something profound. Most of the time it'll be random thoughts blurted out silently... kinda like this one.
I'll probably live to regret it. Why let the whole world know what is going on in my life, my head... my heart.. then again, who will read it? I'm talking to myself essentially.
I won't start by introducing myself. I won't tell you my name, my age where I live. I won't paint you a picture of outward appearances or pin down the markers I'm expected to define myself within. I'll let you decide that for yourself. You can guess, or assign a life to me that you imagine I should have, or must have.
Instead I will paint a picture from the inside. I will try to be brave enough to show you my thoughts...
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