There is a war in my soul

Deep down in my soul. There is a war. I am not perfect. But I am not as bad as all this. The fight does not end. There are regrets. But I am not as bad as all that. I have always tried my best. To be as good a person as can be. Now there is a war in my soul. Between honour and desire. My desire is not all that bad. My honour says you are better than that. “Listen to me” it whispers. “You can do better”. “You deserve more”. “This will make you happy” my desire strikes back. “There is no better”. “This is it”. “You don’t want anything else”. “This is what you have dreamed of”. But I did not dream this part. Not this way. I can be so much. If only I can be. This war in my soul destroys all. It burns in my soul. Whichever I choose. I will never know. What it means to be happy. Just let me be. Let me let go. Let me shut my eyes. Let me drift into the abyss. I don’t want to take sides. Let them fight out this war. I will never have what I want. I will never get what I need. I will drift into oblivion. Maybe it’s comfortable there. Maybe then, my tears will finally come.