Today three people were shot point blank about two minutes walk from where I work.
Not here! Not in my safe haven!
They got shot because they came to the aid of a woman being harassed in the street. They did not know this woman, nor did they realise she knew her attacker. They were simply coming to the aid of a complete stranger and one of them paid for that with his own life.
As I walked to my office in the morning, I was ignorant of these events. I was simply doing what I do everyday. Yet something felt different. There was an ominous feeling about and I distinctly remember saying to myself that this would not be a good day. None of the people walking around me could have known either as this was at the same instant it happened. Yet I could feel it. Something was different.
You see a lot has happened these last few days. There is an unusually high concentration of onion this week, the really potent kind. I'm trying to find something profound to say about it, but just can't find sense in any of it.
The theme has been hospitals and funerals, and they're creeping ever so much closer.
Not here! Not in my safe haven!
They got shot because they came to the aid of a woman being harassed in the street. They did not know this woman, nor did they realise she knew her attacker. They were simply coming to the aid of a complete stranger and one of them paid for that with his own life.
As I walked to my office in the morning, I was ignorant of these events. I was simply doing what I do everyday. Yet something felt different. There was an ominous feeling about and I distinctly remember saying to myself that this would not be a good day. None of the people walking around me could have known either as this was at the same instant it happened. Yet I could feel it. Something was different.
You see a lot has happened these last few days. There is an unusually high concentration of onion this week, the really potent kind. I'm trying to find something profound to say about it, but just can't find sense in any of it.
The theme has been hospitals and funerals, and they're creeping ever so much closer.
I'm again at that point where I remove myself from everything and it's as if I'm watching from outside. Watching some sort of perverted film. The plot twists and turns and I just can't look away. I'm too curious. I want to find out what happens next. How will it all turn out?
I get these flashes of insight, where for a split second it all makes sense, and I see things with such clarity. I almost see the future. Those moments are so pristine, so desirable, but I can't hold onto them. They soon wear off and the onion reappears.
Why do people do this to each other? Why must we have so many faces?
Part of the problem is that I know too much. I've been told things that I wasn't supposed to hear, and then told to keep them to myself. I have to let this horrile knowledge silently destroy me from the inside.
I know that this wife, who is looking so desperate, so miserable and trying everything she possibly can to save her husband, is secretly hoping he doesn't make it. She loves him so much but at the same time resents him. I know that she blames him for her deprivation. It wasn't his fault, but she saw him standing in her way. Only a few months ago she broke his heart with talk of divorce. It's not her fault either that she feels this way. She has her instincts blindly pushing her.
Then there are the admired ones.
She holds a position of integrity, trust and honour. She has power and others look to her for help in their most desperate times. They trust her with their worst secrets. She is known to be honest and proclaims to speak for us all. Yet I know that she is hypocrisy personified. I know that those powers are abused. I know that the image of honesty and sincerity are nothing but a facade to hide the darkness inside. The darkness that once in a while boils over and devours all who surround her.
She's not the only one, there is the educator who speaks such beautiful words. He makes sense and he works so hard for all of us. His dedication is unprecedented and his abilities closely follow. Yet I know he does the very things he speaks against. He does those things in proportions and with intentions none of his students could even imagine. He closes doors for his students, traps them with his words only to clear the field for himself. So he can have full rein in his paradise...and not even his victims see it.
I don't want to know these things but they are in my head. I want to forget them and many more pieces of information infused in my consciousness.
Had this man known his life would be the price would he have stepped forward? had he known she was not as innocent as she looked would he have even bothered? Would he have judged her?
There is too much deception in the world. Too much indecision. Why can't we all just be direct and honest with each other? Why do we have to lie so much? Why is honesty punished?
I don't want to take part in any of this. Apparently I'm supposed to learn to play "the game". You know the one where you hold your cards close to your chest and deal them at the opportune moment. Well I can't do that. I'm incapable of it and why should I learn? Why should I force myself to learn such a vile and hurtful game? No I'd rather stay as innocent as I can manage in such a cruel world. I'd rather keep my conscience clear even if the price is that I am always the one to loose out. I don't want to exist in a world where this is the only road to a happy life.
I can't help but walk this earth but I refuse to participate. I know I will loose but in my heart I'll always be the winner, because I'll have kept my soul. There will come a day when that is all that matters and I can only try.
Why do people do this to each other? Why must we have so many faces?
Part of the problem is that I know too much. I've been told things that I wasn't supposed to hear, and then told to keep them to myself. I have to let this horrile knowledge silently destroy me from the inside.
I know that this wife, who is looking so desperate, so miserable and trying everything she possibly can to save her husband, is secretly hoping he doesn't make it. She loves him so much but at the same time resents him. I know that she blames him for her deprivation. It wasn't his fault, but she saw him standing in her way. Only a few months ago she broke his heart with talk of divorce. It's not her fault either that she feels this way. She has her instincts blindly pushing her.
Then there are the admired ones.
She holds a position of integrity, trust and honour. She has power and others look to her for help in their most desperate times. They trust her with their worst secrets. She is known to be honest and proclaims to speak for us all. Yet I know that she is hypocrisy personified. I know that those powers are abused. I know that the image of honesty and sincerity are nothing but a facade to hide the darkness inside. The darkness that once in a while boils over and devours all who surround her.
She's not the only one, there is the educator who speaks such beautiful words. He makes sense and he works so hard for all of us. His dedication is unprecedented and his abilities closely follow. Yet I know he does the very things he speaks against. He does those things in proportions and with intentions none of his students could even imagine. He closes doors for his students, traps them with his words only to clear the field for himself. So he can have full rein in his paradise...and not even his victims see it.
I don't want to know these things but they are in my head. I want to forget them and many more pieces of information infused in my consciousness.
Had this man known his life would be the price would he have stepped forward? had he known she was not as innocent as she looked would he have even bothered? Would he have judged her?
There is too much deception in the world. Too much indecision. Why can't we all just be direct and honest with each other? Why do we have to lie so much? Why is honesty punished?
I don't want to take part in any of this. Apparently I'm supposed to learn to play "the game". You know the one where you hold your cards close to your chest and deal them at the opportune moment. Well I can't do that. I'm incapable of it and why should I learn? Why should I force myself to learn such a vile and hurtful game? No I'd rather stay as innocent as I can manage in such a cruel world. I'd rather keep my conscience clear even if the price is that I am always the one to loose out. I don't want to exist in a world where this is the only road to a happy life.
I can't help but walk this earth but I refuse to participate. I know I will loose but in my heart I'll always be the winner, because I'll have kept my soul. There will come a day when that is all that matters and I can only try.
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