Silence

Something was said in front of me yesterday that really freaked me out. It was two historians and authors talking about the frustration of finding the archives they need and of being denied access to historical records. They were giving advice to their audience and venting frustration at the same time. "Imagine if these people a hundred years ago had been literate and had kept journals" she said. She was right. We'd know so much more about our history. We'd have so much more to say when a self serving politician rummaging for votes says something like 'you must adhere to our values if you come to our country'. If they had been literate we'd have the proof that it IS our country, and that we are as much a part of its culture and values as anyone else. She was saying that we are living in a crucial turning point in history, and that we must leave records behind. She was telling us to write blogs, but not about our innermost feelings. She wanted something more concrete.

Her colleague, someone I have the utmost respect for, concurred that today's blogs are tomorrows historical archives.

Can you imagine, my ridiculous writing being read in a hundred years time by a historian? Can you imagine them trying to make sense of any of it?

Surely they wouldn't bother with mine. It's not meant to be read by others. It's meant to be for me and only me. It's my way of secretly screaming at the world without really attracting any attention.

If you are reading this in years to come. If you are trying to make some sort of historical sense of this then let me tell you something. I'm not that different from you. I feel the same things as you do, as have my fore bearers before me. I search for the same things you search for. I have the same fears, hopes and aspirations. My problems may look different than yours but believe me they are the same as yours. They are just as big in my mind. My abilities too are the same as yours, I only have different tools to help me along. I tried my best, but if I failed you, if I was not able to make your life better than mine then I am sorry for that. I really did try my best.

You see I did everything I could to leave this world a better place than when I found it. This was hard because those who came before me hadn't done that for me. I always heard stories of how much better things were before my time and I tried my best to leave things, at least no worse than how I found them. To leave you something at least as good as I inherited if not better... but it was difficult. I was on my own. Those around me didn't make it easy. Others played with my mind and my heart. Silence you see can be deadly.

I'm not making excuses. I'm just saying that I didn't have the advantage of hindsight as you do now. I didn't know what the road would look like. So don't judge me, at least not until you see what sort of world, you in your turn will leave behind.

Don't assume you know me or know what's best for me. Until you have walked in my shoes, lived my life, you will never know what is in me. Don't ignore me either. There is nothing worse than being ignored as if I never existed. Acknowledge me. That I existed. That in my small contribution, I continue to exist.

And please keep this for the record. That I thank those who came before me. Those who left a trail for me to walk. I could not have criticised, if they had not taught me to always look ahead. Always look for a better way.