flux

I've been sitting here with my fingers on the keyboard for what must have been an eternity. Yet my words run dry. There is so much rushing through my mind that it's impossible to make sense of anything.

I can't make sense of anything without first talking through it, but there is no one to talk to. So I remain in a constant state of flux. Confusion takes over my life. It always has, but it has never mattered as much as it does now. There are too many options, but for the first time my decisions affect more than just me. There are too many lives at stake. Too many others will be disappointed.

Worst of all the situation keeps changing. New information keeps coming to light and new characters emerge. I do nothing yet events keep happening, changing my paradigm completely.

For a long time now I have had a full schedule. There has been a never ending stream of events to attend, no shortage of people to spend time with. Each gathering with a different cast. None to re-emerge the following day. Yet there is no single person to talk to. No single person to help me purge what is in my mind, help me put things where they belong. So I keep bouncing along through life, like a ping ball unable to find its home. Unable to settle.

Is this what it means to be alone?

We each go on with our lives, people come and go in and out of our circles all the time. Each leaving behind a small legacy. Today you may be my best friend, tomorrow you may be a distant memory... a stranger I meet on the street and cordially exchange smiles and a greeting in an awkward moment. Or maybe even avoid each other and change direction completely. A faint smile may be all that remains.

Winter has set in. The nights grow longer and colder. Another season has come and gone and my life has completely changed, yet it is still the same. I met two people this week, whom I have not seen in years. Each in their turn had been closer to me at one point.

"You haven't changed at all" said one, and "you've matured" said the other. Each had known a different me. But I've been the same all along. I only put on different faces because that is what life has taught me to do.

There is no such thing as life. It is only time that passes by in a single direction and we have no choice in the matter. We only exist. It changes the world around us and we just exist. I do nothing, but my chances slip away unused. I do nothing yet those around me move in the eternal dance. They move in and out of site while I stand in the centre, refusing to take part. As if somehow I had a choice. The band plays on and some seem to be enjoying the music too much. They even choose the songs... but I don't know how to do that yet. How can you tell time where to go?